Contrary to popular belief the Midlife Man wasn’t always the tall, dark Denzel Washington look-alike that he is now.
In the far distant past he was a skinny, broke, boy. But at least he was a CREATIVE skinny broke boy. I’ve written in the past about
the importance of Creativity when dating. So, if you are young, broke and in love or are middle-aged and clueless, read on.
The following ideas are in three parts.
Materials List (what you need) since building romance should be easier than building a doghouse, which is where you’ll be if don’t do something for Valentine’s.
What To Do: Self-explanatory
Points: Because, well, men put more effort into anything if they think it’s some type of competition.
1. Cuddle Coupon
Materials: Listening Skills, A colour printer, computer
What To Do: “What do women want?” asked Sigmund Freud. A better question to ask is what does YOUR woman want? Does she want to be listened to with undivided attention? Massaged?
Dominated, a La 50 Shades of Grey? Make up a coupon (or you can use this one, that needs improvement) which entitles the bearer to her favourite things.
+20 points: Present it to her in an official looking envelope.
+200 points: Have her best friend deliver it.
-500 points: You put the wrong name on the coupon.
2. Clean House and Quiet Night
Materials : Pledge, Scrubbing Bubbles, Fantastik, etc, YouTube playlist.
What To Do: Clean the house!
If you are uncertain about how to clean your joint, Google it or ask Mom. Men are always shocked to find out that women won’t get into or out of sexy lingerie because the kitchen is dirty. Accept it as fact and move on. Clean the house and if you have kids, banish them to their rooms with threats of death, dismemberment or worse (taking away their cell phones), make a YouTube playlist of songs you both like . If you like R&B, you can use mine.
Have food ready (even if its pizza), the kids invisible and the playlist on.
+ 20 points: Stream the videos through your big screen T.V and stereo.
+100 points: Take the day off and get it all done. Act like it’s not a big deal.
–1000 points: You skip cleaning the tub and toilet.
3. I Have a Big Heart For You
Materials: Stick, wide open space covered in sand or snow, can of non-toxic spray paint preferably in red or hot pink.
What To Do: Use the stick to mark out a heart or inter-locking hearts in the sand or snow. Spray the inside of the heart. Remember, full
coverage of the area marked out is more important that saturation of colour. Write your name “+” hers and 4 Ever (if you mean it). Do your French artiste impression (if you are not already a French artiste) as you work. Smile while she rolls her eyes and giggles.
+15 points: If you complete it in under 20 minutes
+50 points: If you take her for a romantic stroll and ‘accidentally’ come across your previously made artwork.
+200 points: If you make it out of rocks.
-500 points: You spell her name wrong.
4. Posterize It
Materials: Computer, Color Printer, clear Scotch tape.
What To Do: “I Love _____________________________” in the largest font size available on your computer. Even better if one letter in each word takes up a page. Use the tape to stick this home-made poster up directly opposite the front door so she can’t miss it when she walks in. Bonus if you do the same in the kitchen and bedroom.
+30 points: Hug her from behind while she takes it in.
+ 300 points: She Instagrams it.
-3000 points: She asks what it is you love about her and you look blank.
5. I Don’t Do Valentine’s, . . . . . (Parts 1 & 2)
Materials: Big Cojones
What To Do: Say, “I don’t DO Valentine’s.” This works best if it’s your first Valentine’s Day together and you give her warning in advance. Everyone knows Valentine’s Day has become overblown to the point of superficiality. Refusing to take part in the madness shows your rugged manliness. If you have an emotionally high-maintenance woman, expect retaliation.
Send a bouquet of pink roses to her job. The card should read, “Just because. . . . . .” .
Do this at least 3 weeks AFTER Valentine’s Day, any earlier and it looks like you had second thoughts and caved or are just a damn cheap skate. However, do it within 3 months. Being a man and all, you’re sure to screw-up to a level that requires flowers any way and you don’t want the two sentiments to get mixed.
+200 points: Her best friend at work complains how un-romantic her boyfriend/husband is.
+2000 points: Every woman in her department turns catty and green with envy AND ISN’T THAT WHAT VALENTINE’S IS REALLY ALL ABOUT?
So, there you have it. If you are a male, get started mixing and matching points one through five.
If you are a female, send this post to a male who needs it.
Tell me your thoughts on the best low-cost Valentine’s Day gift you ever received.