I’m supposed to be writing a response to Ms. Understanding’s post, “10 Things She Wants You To Know” but this is not it. Instead, here are some things I’d like my female mid-lifers to think about as it relates to the titled topic.
The 15 Minute Female Orgasm
Spoiler alert: This post does not cover HOW to have a 15 minute female orgasm. If you are looking for that go here. For an introduction to the teachers of the technique, watch this video on Youtube.
You’d think that in the hyper-sexualized world we live in; where parents
send children to pole dancing lessons; where porn star Sasha Grey is a feature story in Rollingstone Magazine; where 50 Shades of Grey parties are planned to perfection by P.T.A moms; that the 15 minute female orgasm would be as openly discussed as birth control. You’d be wrong.
If you’ve never heard of the technique, you are not alone. The technique gained some attention when it was covered in Tim Ferris’ book, “The 4-Hour Body”. The book is a New York Times Best Seller, and certain sections have cult-like followers who create websites entirely dedicated to just one topic.
The 15 minute orgasm should be widely touted, have its own acolytes and high priestesses, web pages, best practices, and a two-hour special on HBO. But, it doesn’t.
The Sisterhood of The Travelling Pants, 9/11 conspiracists, climate change deniers and Obama haters have all of the above.
So Why Not This Sex Technique?
This is such a good question, that I decided to ask the women around me, what they thought about it. Understanding that an orgasm that lasted for 15 minutes sounds more painful than pleasurable, I explained that it was not the clutching, gasping train wreck of the standard orgasm (although some of that does happen) that went on for 15 minutes. Rather, it was like a slow trip through the countryside that ends at a favourite destination. Curiosity went up but not as much as I’d expected. Their reasons for not being interested fell into three categories and left me more dismayed than shocked.
The reason we might be hyper-sexualized is because we don’t have the time for anything else. “Get in, get off, get out” seems to be the order of the day. Everyone has places to go and things to do. None of those things includes bringing imagination, adventure, care and concern to the bedroom.
A good, quick fuck might now be the standard, and the slow sensual wind-up is now taboo. I know that most people in my age-group are battling with children, aging parents, illnesses of their own, but if you don’t take time for each other, how will you have time to save your relationship?
2. Man Problems
Every woman has a man problem. If she doesn’t have a man, that’s a problem but if she has a man, HE’S a problem. Achieving the 15 minute orgasm requires technique and patience. The man who is trying to sex 3 – 5 women in one day, is not going to consider learning anything that requires that much effort. Mix in a dose of misogyny from the player mindset and the sensitivity of a Cro-Magnon and the woman knows better than to ask for anything so intimate.
Men, after all, will be men.
3. Trust Issues
The woman lies on her back, naked from the waist down while the man sits at her side with both hands on her vajayjay, with his clothes on. Wait! Hold up! What? I can hear the cries now from readers, just as the women I spoke to had similar reactions.
It would seem from their comments that while the image of two naked people going at it seems comfortable, the idea of a man investing that much in their pleasure without trying to get himself off is too great a stretch of the imagination. Better for a woman to stick to the regular sex routine and end up frustrated than to ask for him to hold his horses for a whole 15 minutes and be thought insane.
To summarize this point, some women don’t trust their man to give a damn about how they (the woman) feels.
4. Body Image Issues
Men. who’ve read this far, would you like to freak a woman out? The next time you’re out with that special someone, and thinks are warming up nicely, lean in like you are going for a kiss, then palm her belly and squeeze gently. Even if she’s a Victoria Secret’s model she’ll self-consciously withdraw and think that she needs to diet.
Women, if you want to freak a man out, lean in like you are going to kiss, then put his hand on your belly and ask for his honest opinion. Watch him stutter.
Thanks to Viagra for men and hormone replacement therapy for women, we can all get our freak on like 20 year olds no matter our age. Thanks to the cult of Youth and Beauty, we all believe that we should look like twenty-year olds no matter our age. Talk about your, sad and unrealistic expectations. Women, more than men internalize these expectations, and the result is fear of being naked in front of her man.
This blog is about becoming better during the middle passage of your life, in every way possible. If there was ever a time for getting better at expressing your sexuality, this is it. So,
Men: I’m thinking about adding this bon mot to my Forty by 40 list: “There are few things in this life more pitiful than a man who can’t make love, refuses to eat p*ssy and won’t take instruction.” It still needs work and I intend to make it a little
nicer, cruder, more concise, but you get the picture.
Now that the sexual urgency of youth is dissipating, intimacy can flower to its fullest. Adding a sexual skill that shows your woman, how much you care for and accept her can only improve the relationship.
As this post shows, intimacy or the lack thereof is a source of concern for many women.
Women: While sexual relationships can be for anyone over the age of consent, sensual, caring relationships are for adults. By the time grey hair shows up, you need to realize several thinks.
- Time – quickies are fine but if your man thinks they are the norm, it’s time for him to hit the road.
- Trust – if he doesn’t care about your short-term pleasure, how can he care about your long-term happiness?
- Body Image – I’ll tell you a secret. By the time a man is comfortable enough to ask you for a date, he has already imagined what you look like naked. If you’ve been together awhile and he has some complaints remind him that he’s no George Clooney either.
One of the hardest things we can ever do is to accept ourselves as we are, faults and all. After that is done we can move towards real personal development. The greatest resistance to the 15 minute female orgasm comes (no pun intended) not from the difficulty of the techniques, but from the mental barriers we erect to our own sexual health.
What do you think. Do you have some barriers getting in the way of your sexual fulfillment, if so where do they come from, society, parents, friends? Let me hear from you in the comments section.